Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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