The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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