I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
