I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I am naked and annoyed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
