I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
