so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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