Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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