Why are handjobs necessary in class?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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