He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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