bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This is my gift to your gina
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
