We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
