I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
