I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
