its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize