a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize