I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
