I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
