I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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