You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
