i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
