I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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