Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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