I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
