If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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