so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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