You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
