i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
