did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
