Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
