took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I love having hate sex.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
