Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
