She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
