The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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