Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
