Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
