I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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