So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize