Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
