Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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