you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
