I hate your face
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
