My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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