There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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