We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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