On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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