did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
