If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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