do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Randomize
