Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
