Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
