I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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