you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize