I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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