Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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