He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You have to summon your inner elephant
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
