Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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