I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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