in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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