Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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