Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
