so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Someone came in the potted fern
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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