Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
