sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
