We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This baby is an asshole
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize