I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
