I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
