One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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