it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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